My daughter is acting out •My pregnant wife won’t let me touch her

Dear Ruth,

My 16-year-old daughter has been acting strangely these days. I don’t know how to handle her. Please, help me, what can I do about this? 12 years ago, we lost her mother, my wife in a traffic accident. To say that was the most horrible day of our lives would be an understatement. As soon as I worked on our grief, I resorted to raise her alone, at least until she is 18 before remarrying. Part of my reason was that I didn’t want her subjected to step-mother palavers. To tell you the truth, she has been a great young woman. She has been excellent in her academics and her social life has been great too. In all, you could say she is a well rounded girl and I am very proud of her. And I make sure I let her know how proud of her I am at every given opportunity.

This is why her sudden actions have become worrisome to me, and I felt that being a mother yourself, from what I read about your teenage child and your fears last year, you could help me. I am at my wits’ end. My daughter doesn’t talk to me anymore. Instead, she locks herself in her room, hangs out with friends I find questionable and generally does things she knows are bad for her.

The other day I saw her sporting a tattoo on her forearm and I was alarmed. She shrugged my worry off with “everyone is doing it, dad” and I am afraid I am losing my daughter because she is not the daughter I raised.

I suspect though that these problems may have something to do with a lady I am currently seeing. Although I have tried to explain it to my daughter that at one day, I would love very much to get married, it seems to me that she doesn’t feel comfortable about this and I really don’t know how to handle this situation.

This lady I am seeing is a very great woman. She is a widow too with a son. With her in my life, I feel complete and I just wish my daughter would see this and at least, try to be warm towards her.

Did I mention she has been extremely cold to my girlfriend? She, in the last six months since we began dating, my life has been sweet and not-so-sweet at the same time, to put it mildly. Please, tell me what to do.

Thank you,
Worried Father.

Dear Worried Father,

First of all, I understand your fears. Believe me, I do. Those kinds of fears are the ones which keep one awake at night, especially, when it comes to daughters. Although I do not have a teenage daughter, I have been a teenager once and believe me, teenage girls have as much fears as most people do.

For your daughter, her fears may be that of “abandonment” once you marry your girlfriend. Has it occurred to you that her actions may be defense mechanisms to protect her from feeling rejected?

It is just a theory, though and you will have to speak with her on this.

The first thing I will suggest you do is pray. Prayer, as I always say, shouldn’t be the last resort or an alternative. Pray the future you want for your daughter into existence. The truth is one can’t just wish a great future into existence. One has to make it happen. One of such ways is to vigorously pray as if a life depended on in because in reality, it actually does.

Then, have a talk with her.  I believe that she is not so inapproachable that you can’t talk to her. Tell her, in sincerity, which I believe is how you have been dealing with her, whatever that is on your mind. Tell her your fears as regards the dangerous path she is beginning to toe and the possible outcome. Make her understand that you don’t want that happening to her, hence your raising the roofs.

And assure her of your unyielding love for her. Make her see that marriage is not going to change the way you feel about her and make her understand why marriage is a good thing for the both of you. State your reasons and very importantly, do not accuse her of sabotaging your happiness. In reality, she is not.

She wants you to be happy, just as much as she wants to be happy too.

Above all, listen to her. Encourage her to voice her fears and her dreams for her life. Listen to her. I cannot emphasise this point enough. I strongly believe that most of us would have had a better life if our parents had listened to us.

I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Cheers.
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My pregnant wife won’t let me touch her
Dear Ruth,

My wife of two years has been pregnant for three months and she won’t let me touch her. She delivered more shocking news when she said sex is off until she put to bed. I can’t believe this is happening. Please, what should I do? I can’t just be looking at my sexy wife without wanting to make love to her. And, is it true that sex will affect the baby? Although I don’t believe it, I have to ask.

Thank you.
Dan.

Dear Dan,

AS you may have suspected, sex does not affect a baby. And no, it doesn’t cause miscarriage either. I don’t know your wife’s reasons for wanting to stay off sex and I believe she alone can tell you what they are. Whatever I say would be a mere conjecture. After finding out what the reasons are, I suggest you allay her fears, now not with what your friends or hers say they did or did not do, but with what you both should and shouldn’t do.

What I can assure you is that having sex is fine as long as you are not having any complications with the pregnancy. I quite agree that it is normal for your wife to feel the way she is feeling because as a mother, she’ll want to protect her baby but the trick is that the amniotic fluid protects the baby and as such, as I said earlier, there’s no danger to the baby. But I will suggest you talk to your doctor also to get some reassurance.

Have a healthy sex life and good luck!!